No More Secrets
Born into a family stung by addiction, a local doctor shares her story of survival, hope, and healing.
Nearly every family in America has a story about a sibling, a cousin, or another loved one whose life has been upended by addiction to illicit drugs. No two addiction stories are the same, as Geri-Lynn Utter, Psy.D., can attest.
Dr. Utter recounts her own family’s story in the harrowing 2020 memoir, Mainlining Philly: Survival, Hope, and Resisting Drug Addiction. Born in Meadowbrook, Dr. Utter was the product of two parents who spent much of their adult lives in active addiction. Mainlining Philly details the experiences and challenges she faced coming of age in the Philadelphia neighborhood of Kensington, parts of which have gained notoriety for their role in the opioid epidemic. The book also includes an “addiction handbook” with resources designed to educate others about addiction and mental illness.
Dr. Utter’s early experiences sparked an interest that would shape her career. Today, she is a clinical psychologist with her own private practice in Montgomery County. She works with individuals who have been diagnosed with the co-occurring disorders of mental illness and substance use disorder, and she also conducts psychological assessments of incarcerated individuals within the courts system of Montgomery County. In addition, she serves as a medical science liaison for Orexo US Inc., the Morristown, New Jersey-based arm of a Swedish pharmaceutical firm devoted to helping people affected by mental illness and substance use disorders.
“Not all doctors are great at understanding the behaviors of addiction; many of them take it personally when someone in active addiction is lying, cheating, and stealing, all of which are symptoms,” Dr. Utter says. “I took it personally for over 20 years. I read all the textbooks, but I was there, so I get it. A lot of my clinical intuition comes from personal experience.”
We spoke with Dr. Utter about the ups and downs of her early life, the damage caused by the stigma surrounding addiction, and the ways in which family members of people in active addiction can help “break the cycle.”
Q&A
When we hear about addiction, we often think about it as an adolescent who starts experimenting around 12 or 13, and then falls in deeper, and the family has to deal with it. Your story is the opposite—you were born into it. Tell me about the message you hope to get across with this book.
I had no intention of ever sharing any of this. I was ashamed and embarrassed, and I kept it a secret from as many people as I could for as long as I could. I wanted to write a memoir for myself. Then I realized: I think I have a shot at helping people with this story. The first part of the book almost reads like a novel, but the end of the book has an addiction handbook for family members of those who are addicted. I still feel weird to this day, sharing everything I went through. I feel like I outed my family a bit, even though I protected a lot of the people [by not sharing their real names].
When we hear about addiction, we often think about it as an adolescent who starts experimenting around 12 or 13, and then falls in deeper, and the family has to deal with it. Your story is the opposite—you were born into it. Tell me about the message you hope to get across with this book.
I had no intention of ever sharing any of this. I was ashamed and embarrassed, and I kept it a secret from as many people as I could for as long as I could. I wanted to write a memoir for myself. Then I realized: I think I have a shot at helping people with this story. The first part of the book almost reads like a novel, but the end of the book has an addiction handbook for family members of those who are addicted. I still feel weird to this day, sharing everything I went through. I feel like I outed my family a bit, even though I protected a lot of the people [by not sharing their real names].
My childhood had its share of ups and downs, but mostly I remember happy and idyllic times. What do you remember about your childhood?
It’s a mixed bag for me. I’m going to give you an answer that’s not 100 percent true. In order to cope better with some of the things I shared in the book, I’ve processed my memories in a certain way as a protective measure. Sometimes when [my parents] weren’t doing well, they were super [screwed] up, but they tried as best as they could to help me understand that this is something I’m genetically predisposed to if I made the decision to use or experiment. My dad was a very charismatic musician, and he had very successful singing career. I do have good memories relative to who my dad was. Then there were times that were really bad. My father has since died, and something interesting happens after a parent dies. They could be the [worst] person ever, but when they die you tend to remember the good things about them; the good things take precedence over the [terrible] things. That’s something I did to protect my own heart.
It’s a mixed bag for me. I’m going to give you an answer that’s not 100 percent true. In order to cope better with some of the things I shared in the book, I’ve processed my memories in a certain way as a protective measure. Sometimes when [my parents] weren’t doing well, they were super [screwed] up, but they tried as best as they could to help me understand that this is something I’m genetically predisposed to if I made the decision to use or experiment. My dad was a very charismatic musician, and he had very successful singing career. I do have good memories relative to who my dad was. Then there were times that were really bad. My father has since died, and something interesting happens after a parent dies. They could be the [worst] person ever, but when they die you tend to remember the good things about them; the good things take precedence over the [terrible] things. That’s something I did to protect my own heart.
We learn something by undertaking a project like this. What did you learn?
There’s so much I learned, and I cried so much writing this book. It was cathartic. I worked with an outside person, writing and editing the book with me, and what was eye opening for me is that my mom was excellent. I grew up in the ’80s, and therapy wasn’t really a thing back then. When my mom and my dad went to get a divorce, I went to counseling. They wanted me to walk out of this the best way possible, not that I walked out of it like Mary Poppins. I was so embarrassed and shameful. I always felt looked down upon. I became a people pleaser, all about perfectionism. I have imposter syndrome—that’s my scar. I’m surrounded by all these smart people, thinking: Do I deserve a seat at the table? I feel that I don’t deserve a day of rest, putting all these goals and expectations on myself. That’s all trauma response.
There’s so much I learned, and I cried so much writing this book. It was cathartic. I worked with an outside person, writing and editing the book with me, and what was eye opening for me is that my mom was excellent. I grew up in the ’80s, and therapy wasn’t really a thing back then. When my mom and my dad went to get a divorce, I went to counseling. They wanted me to walk out of this the best way possible, not that I walked out of it like Mary Poppins. I was so embarrassed and shameful. I always felt looked down upon. I became a people pleaser, all about perfectionism. I have imposter syndrome—that’s my scar. I’m surrounded by all these smart people, thinking: Do I deserve a seat at the table? I feel that I don’t deserve a day of rest, putting all these goals and expectations on myself. That’s all trauma response.
You write about members of your family stepping in to help, though that was not an easy road either. What do people need to know to break the cycle when substance abuse is part of a family’s DNA?
A doctor told me this a long time ago. He said, “You can’t take credit for someone’s recovery just like you can’t carry the burden for their drug addiction or relapse.” There were so many times with my mom—26 years of opioid addiction—where I got wrapped up in her problems. The best advice I have is to take care of yourself. Yes, there’s a person struggling, but if you’re constantly wrapped up in that world, you’re suffering, too. Creating boundaries with that person can be the hardest thing. I heard every story in the book from my mom in order to get money out of me. I fell into some of that stuff early on, but then I learned to say to her, “If you’re going to go out there, using and doing what you’re doing, don’t call me with the BS, the stories, the lies, but call me when you’re ready. You can call me at 3 a.m., from [the intersection of] Kensington and Allegheny, and I will come pick you up and take you to rehab. But if you’re not ready, don’t call me.” So, my advice is to seek your own treatment, do not put yourself second, and create healthy boundaries.
A doctor told me this a long time ago. He said, “You can’t take credit for someone’s recovery just like you can’t carry the burden for their drug addiction or relapse.” There were so many times with my mom—26 years of opioid addiction—where I got wrapped up in her problems. The best advice I have is to take care of yourself. Yes, there’s a person struggling, but if you’re constantly wrapped up in that world, you’re suffering, too. Creating boundaries with that person can be the hardest thing. I heard every story in the book from my mom in order to get money out of me. I fell into some of that stuff early on, but then I learned to say to her, “If you’re going to go out there, using and doing what you’re doing, don’t call me with the BS, the stories, the lies, but call me when you’re ready. You can call me at 3 a.m., from [the intersection of] Kensington and Allegheny, and I will come pick you up and take you to rehab. But if you’re not ready, don’t call me.” So, my advice is to seek your own treatment, do not put yourself second, and create healthy boundaries.
Every child has thoughts about what they want to be when they grow up. Considering what you went through, were you able to put much thought toward your own adulthood?
My parents were good at educating me on addiction, and letting me know I could be vulnerable, using themselves as examples. Also, my parents were never verbally or physically abusive. They always had this ridiculous faith in me, making me feel like I was worth it. My dad said, “You can do anything you put your mind to.” I played those tapes in my head, moving me forward. That’s why I like to tell parents to educate their kids young, stop protecting them, talk to them appropriately on their level, and make them feel worth it.
My parents were good at educating me on addiction, and letting me know I could be vulnerable, using themselves as examples. Also, my parents were never verbally or physically abusive. They always had this ridiculous faith in me, making me feel like I was worth it. My dad said, “You can do anything you put your mind to.” I played those tapes in my head, moving me forward. That’s why I like to tell parents to educate their kids young, stop protecting them, talk to them appropriately on their level, and make them feel worth it.
What’s next for you?
I will continue to see clients and patients forever, because helping other people does something for you, too, selfishly. I also just finished my second book, which was picked up by a literary agent, who’s now pitching it to large publishers. I coined a term called “aftershock” to describe people’s responses to the [COVID-19] pandemic. Not everyone is going to meet the criteria for PTSD, but aftershock speaks to the subclinical response to things that happen in life, the terrible things we go through just by being human. … I also have a documentary [called Utter Nonsense] I’ve been working on for two years, which I’m hoping to get into educational distribution, like schools and universities, as an educational tool to help people understand the impact [of addiction] from the perspective of the person in active addiction and the family members of those impacted by addiction. … It’s a full-length feature, 90 minutes long, and I hope it comes out next year.
I will continue to see clients and patients forever, because helping other people does something for you, too, selfishly. I also just finished my second book, which was picked up by a literary agent, who’s now pitching it to large publishers. I coined a term called “aftershock” to describe people’s responses to the [COVID-19] pandemic. Not everyone is going to meet the criteria for PTSD, but aftershock speaks to the subclinical response to things that happen in life, the terrible things we go through just by being human. … I also have a documentary [called Utter Nonsense] I’ve been working on for two years, which I’m hoping to get into educational distribution, like schools and universities, as an educational tool to help people understand the impact [of addiction] from the perspective of the person in active addiction and the family members of those impacted by addiction. … It’s a full-length feature, 90 minutes long, and I hope it comes out next year.
My mom lives with me now; she celebrated one year clean on Dec. 4. I’m big into talking about the whole stigma thing. I look at addiction the same as other chronic illnesses, whether the general public wants to admit it or not. We shouldn’t take it personally when we see people in active addiction lying, cheating, and stealing, because those are symptoms [of the disease]. We shouldn’t think of them as bad people or junkies. … Addiction touches every family. It shouldn’t be this dirty little secret.
Recover and Reengage
Approximately 31.9 million Americans ages 12 and older currently use illegal drugs, according to the National Center for Drug Abuse Statistics (NCDAS). More than 35 percent of drug users use opioids, the NCDAS says, while 15 percent use heroin. Thankfully, the Philadelphia area boasts several respected resources that provide the dedicated expertise needed to help people overcome their struggles with addiction. Whether through outpatient services or inpatient treatment programs, these resources specialize in leading patients toward a life of recovery and reengagement.
Belmont Behavioral Health System
belmontbehavioral.com
Approximately 31.9 million Americans ages 12 and older currently use illegal drugs, according to the National Center for Drug Abuse Statistics (NCDAS). More than 35 percent of drug users use opioids, the NCDAS says, while 15 percent use heroin. Thankfully, the Philadelphia area boasts several respected resources that provide the dedicated expertise needed to help people overcome their struggles with addiction. Whether through outpatient services or inpatient treatment programs, these resources specialize in leading patients toward a life of recovery and reengagement.
Belmont Behavioral Health System
belmontbehavioral.com
Huntington Creek Recovery Center
huntingtoncreekrecovery.com
Pocono Mountain Recovery Center
poconomountainrecoverycenter.com
Recovery Centers of America
recoverycentersofamerica.com
The Retreat at Sheppard Pratt
retreat.sheppardpratt.org
Seabrook
seabrook.org
huntingtoncreekrecovery.com
Pocono Mountain Recovery Center
poconomountainrecoverycenter.com
Recovery Centers of America
recoverycentersofamerica.com
The Retreat at Sheppard Pratt
retreat.sheppardpratt.org
Seabrook
seabrook.org
Published (and copyrighted) in Suburban Life magazine, January 2022.
