She walked her dog through the neighborhood of her 55-and-older community, mulling over her losses – namely, her husband of more than 50 years and the life they had built together. As she approached the community’s clubhouse, she spotted a neighbor sitting on the deck all by herself.

“Why are you sitting there all alone?” she asked.

“I’m not alone,” the neighbor replied. “We’re having an Oktoberfest party. You should come and join us.”

She promptly turned around to walk her dog home, and returned to the clubhouse to enjoy some quality time with her neighbors, many of whom had become good friends.

I’ve distilled this scenario from a recent conversation with my mother, whose husband – my father – passed away in mid-August. The days and weeks since have been quite difficult, to say the least, and she continues to mourn the loss of the man she adored. At the same time, her family, friends, and neighbors have coalesced around her as she processes her grief and, in her best moments, finds her footing in a vastly changed life.

The heartache that results from having a partner precede us in death is often too great for some survivors; they spend the remainder of their days looking back until they join their loved ones in the grave. Others, like my mother, will keep the memories of their late partners close, but also learn how to move forward in the aftermath. Our respective support systems – family, friends, neighbors – will likely play central roles in determining which direction we take, according to a 2023 study in Frontiers in Psychology. What’s more, those benefits tend to endure across a person’s lifespan.

The strength of our adult friendships, the study finds, can significantly predict well-being and protect against mental health issues such as depression and anxiety as we age. Conversely, people who lack friends or have poor-quality friendships are twice as likely to die prematurely. As risk factors go, such isolation is comparable to the effects of excessive consumption of cigarettes and alcohol.  

While making and maintaining friendships takes a certain amount of initiative, where we live seems to play an essential role, too. Residing in a community in which residents are of the same age and situation, for example, tends to make it easier for close bonds to form.

I recently had the opportunity to speak with a woman named Carol Nehring, who moved into an apartment at Rydal Park & Waters in Jenkintown after the loss of her husband. She did so because she liked being surrounded by people, and she still had a lot she wanted to do with her life. Also, based on her experience with her own parents, she saw the move as a kindness to her adult children.

“I was grateful to my parents, who moved to a [senior living] place close to three of their kids,” she told me. “[My mother] lived to be 100 and was able to do a lot during her time there. The other good thing about living in a community like this is that, when you start to fail, you still have friends who come to see you. It was nice to see that my mother had friends and her own life away from us.”

Published (and copyrighted) in Suburban Life magazine, September 2024.