Go On
How to move forward after a painful loss.
by Bill Donahue

Although the period between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day is supposed to be a time of joy, togetherness, and reflection, many people associate the winter holidays with the pain of loss. That’s particularly true for older adults reeling from the recent death of a close loved one.
 
Long-held traditions no longer seem worth celebrating. Happy memories are tinged with sadness and regret. The empty seat at the table feels like a physical presence. The difficulties tend to be most keenly felt by anyone who has lost a spouse or intimate partner. As the remaining family and friends learn to move on with their lives, a surviving spouse sometimes feels stuck, lost, alone.
 
The health risks multiply as a result. A lack of social connection could imperil one’s health and longevity, according to “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation,” the U.S. Surgeon General’s 2023 advisory on the healing effects of social connection and community. Loneliness and social isolation increase the risk for premature death by 26 percent and 29 percent respectively, the advisory states. Furthermore, the lack of social connection can increase the likelihood of premature death by as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.
 
Maggie Tipton, Psy.D., has spent the past 17 years working with patients of all ages, from teens to older adults, who struggle with addiction and other forms of mental illness. Dr. Tipton, the corporate director of psychological services at Wernersville, Pennsylvania-based Caron Treatment Centers, prescribes a few strategies to overcome feelings of loss, especially at a time of year when families and friends are supposed to be together.  
 
“Show yourself compassion and grace,” she says. “Avoidance at first comes with a short-term benefit, but it’s not effective over the long term. You can almost feel drawn to jumping into the next activity rather than feeling the sadness, but leaning into those moments is the pathway forward. It creates a scenario down the road where we can feel certain feelings or emotions and sit with them.”
 
Not only has Dr. Tipton helped scores of patients cope with great loss, but she also speaks from personal experience. Her father passed away approximately two years ago.
 
“I was left wondering why, having all those same questions that other people have when something like this happens,” she says. “I wept and slept and felt isolated, and then in those moments when I felt very alone, there were people all around me trying to lend support. It’s about leaning into those moments, even if they don’t always feel comfortable.”
 
Surrounding oneself with friends and family—people who care—will provide a much greater sense of connection and purpose than if someone chose to “stay in bed and cry,” she says. Also, she advises anyone who feels stuck and needs to recover their sense of hope and purpose to seek the guidance of someone like her.
 
“Life continues on life’s terms,” she adds. “There will be other losses. Ideally we find ways to fuel ourselves and build our resilience. … Sometimes we can be in a room with others and still feel lonely, and that’s OK, but we have to make sure we do the things we enjoy. Maintain a routine of doing whatever you can to fill your tank. Do what you need to do to be OK.”
 
Published (and copyrighted) in Suburban Life magazine, December 2024